babies were throwing up all over the place
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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