You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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