we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
