Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
