just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize