So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
