I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize