i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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