Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
