I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
