I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He passed out mid-signature
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
