she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
