Plan B is the new Plan A
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
