my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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