dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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