not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize