Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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