I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i drank out of a bidet.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
