You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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