hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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