My underwear smells like fireworks.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
