I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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