He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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