I wish my penis had an off switch
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
