porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Even my vagina gasped.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Randomize
