I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
