my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
