proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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