Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
