I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
