You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
