hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
