I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If I die, sorry about rent.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
