My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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