Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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