is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
