The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
worst night to have a conscience
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
