I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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