I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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