before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
