i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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