well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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