On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
