she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
