Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
