Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
