Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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