I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
