You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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