the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
