Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
