Just took my morning after pill in the library
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
