Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
