i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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