i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
