Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
