did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
