I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
