just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
