She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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