you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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