So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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