Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
