im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
