i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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