no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
